Confessions of a former TERF
I hope this blog post brings some reflection and insights through my personal experience and mindset as a former Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist (TERF). I don't want to be praised. I just want to not be judged.
I never hated transgender people. I watched videos, tried to do my own research and agreed with many arguments about transgender rights. I was more or less indifferent. "People should live however they want as long as they are not hurting others", I thought. In 2020, I came across a free game called "One night, hot springs". I shared it with my close friend who was somewhat transphobic. Everyone at our small school knew that she was a part of the alphabet crew (LGBTQIA+); they just didn't know which letter she belonged to. Through the game, we had a discussion about transgender issues and identity. Weeks later, the same friend came out to me as transgender. She expressed how the game, and my reaction to the game, made her feel safe to come out. My friend is still my friend no matter what.
To say I was accepting of my friend's new identity was a lie. I would joke, "you choose to lose your privilege as a man" because deep down I was frustrated and confused. I remember talking to another friend the week my friend came out, and we had a long discussion about girlhood and womanhood. We concluded, "she will never be truly a woman because she did not grow up with our struggles". Our beliefs of womanhood and identity of femininity were marked by struggle. Something that is lesser than, perpetually performative and bloody. It was internalised misogyny. The deep irony is how we were prejudiced about our gender, yet we (me and my friend) claimed to be feminists.
I'd even argue that feminist literatures fester on women's feelings of inadequacy. It started when I was 13 years old, I was exposed to intersectional feminism. It felt hopeless knowing academic scholars affirm the notions that women of colour are systematically lesser than white women in an already secular patriarchal world. I was a feminist at a very young age who was spiteful that the world around her, the society she lived in, seemingly hated her because of her gender. It felt like I was being punished for being assigned female at birth. Therefore, I associated womanhood with pain. Transgender women goes against my ideology, because to me it was cognitive dissonance- why would someone choose to be a woman.
Many of the TERF posts I've read reminded me of my young, naive self (except many of them are women much older than me). Of course, I am projecting my own experiences onto others. Who knows what their true inner thoughts are. But I do know one thing is true: life is not a competition, and there is enough space for everyone to succeed. To be completely clear, you shouldn't be treated less because of your identity. I was never transphobic, and I'm still not transphobic. What stopped me from falling deeper in the TERF rabbit hole and overcoming my cognitive dissonance was recognising and unpacking my internalised misogyny. I've stopped dwelling on extrinsic factors. I can't change how society view me, but I can change how I view myself and my own capabilities.
No matter what you believe in, it is always best to challenge your own ideas. Seek out counter arguments to your beliefs and compare it.